Our Daily Breach: Gilded dildo money
Murdoc was lied to by a golden taint but somehow makes it T-Mobile's fault? I dunno I read it in a hurry, it's like a whole minute long.
Last year on this day The United States Space Force (USSF) allegedly had their secret tech open for sale on the Breach Forums in a post by a hacker using the name TIANTU. Allegedly.
TIANTU took down that post a day later which raised some suspicions as to how legit this leak was. There were other things that didn't quite add up; starting with the fact that they were selling weapon designs and decryption techniques for only $15,000. One would think Quantum Cyber Warfare: Cutting-edge encryption-breaking technology for intercepting and neutralizing enemy satellite communications would fetch more than enough to cover a 24K golden dildo. Oh wait nevermind, turns out it only cost an $800 receiver to read satellite data according to the brilliantly named paper "Don’t Look Up: There Are Sensitive Internal Links in the Clear on GEO Satellites". Don't go anywhere T-Mobile, I'll get back to you in a second, I just need to finish up with TIANTU here.
TIANTU you haven't been active since this alleged breach. It's been a year now and I'm starting this meant nothing to you. I'm starting to think that this was all a ruse so you could find out why Gwenyth Paltrow recommends that particular model of dildo and you didn't have any other way to make it happen. Don't let your dreams be dreams TIANTU! IBELIEVINU!
Alright now as for you T-Mobile. What in the actual fuck? You make $13B in profit every quarter. You are drowning in 24K gold dildo money. You have no excuse to be sending your clients messages in cleartext in 2025. I'm not gonna bother checking your ticker symbol in 2026 because it'll probably make me want to look up.
